Insanely High Corn Prices? Don’t Just Blame the Drought. Blame the EPA and the Biofuels Industry, Too.

It may not as bad as those droughts in Africa, but it’s sure not a walk in the park, either. The sun is practically frying cornfields to a crisp in some parts of the Midwest – although my family’s crops personally aren’t in any kind of, like, apocalyptic duress, as some pander-happy politicos and ratings-starved news networks would have you believe. Places like Iowa and other states nestled in the corn belt, though, probably are faring much worse than any of us Upper North Yankees.

Just one quick glance at the statistics is a one-way trip to Glumtown, if there ever was such a place. Corn production is in deadlock, hitting all-time lows – at least in terms of yield-per-acreage. (More than in 15 years, if the government’s own depressingly grim charts have anything to say about it.) And everybody knows what happens when the supply of any kind of highly valued resource is scarce. In this case, grocery stores will jack up the price and farmers will leap for the highest bids possible. And why wouldn’t they? If they didn’t, the corn supply would be quickly depleted, as shoppers would dash to buy the nearly inaccessible produce for pennies on the dollar. Better get in on the action before the stampede beats you to the checkout line. With insanely low prices like that, you couldn’t afford to miss out on the offer. Can you say recipe for disaster?

Not only would it cut into corn suppliers’ profit margins, but it would also be the epitome of economic stupidity. After all, you don’t see card-collectors selling those little pieces of paper with pictures on them (well, that’s pretty much what they are) for two bucks when there’s only, like, ten of them in the world.

So, of course, with drought hitting the Midwest like some kind of organic crock-pot, the family pocketbook is about to be rammed to high Heaven. And how, naturally, are the political do-gooders in the state capitol planning to make things right again?

Government to the rescue, of course. You can never trust ordinary people to come up with their own solutions to the hardships they’re facing. EPA Regional Administrator knows best. Continue reading

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Three Cheers For Sequestration

‘Tis the season for sequestration. Or almost, anyway. You may have been hearing that word an awful lot on the nightly news lately and wondering what in godswallop it means. Why is Congress running around like a bunch of terror-stricken ants trying not to get squished to death by giant sneakers? Clearly, they’ve pushed the panic button, and out come the impassioned rants. The political class is treating this like the difference between life and death. You’d think a series of solar flares were about to fry us all to a crisp.

But enough with the bizarre analogies. What the @!*#& is sequestration? There’s a term you won’t learn in Civics Class. Continue reading

Paul Ryan Ain’t All He’s Cracked Up To Be

Mitt Romney – presumptive GOP nominee and Mattel poster boy extraordinaire – has finally announced his vice presidential pick. Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan is the man of the hour, it seems. And what a perfect pair they make: just stick a blonde wig on Ryan’s head, strap a purse to his shoulder, and you’ve basically got that classic dollie duo doing battle with the dude who says the most batshit crazy things off-teleprompter. Another election brought to you by the splendor-iffic, manufactured Candidate Generator™. It’s robo-tastic.

“Replace and repeal.” “No, health care for all.” “Let’s take back America.” “Shut up, you hate old people.” “Well, you’re just a European-style, Marx-loving Fabian.” “Oh, yeah? Well, you’re a baby-killing social Darwinist.” “I’m not the one who cut $700 billion from Medicare.” “Your plan’s worse ‘cause, erm – privatization.” “We need real leadership in Washington.” “You shipped jobs to India. Where are teh tax returnz?” “Well I’m a leader who wants America to succeed, and I will lead because I’m a leader who leads like a leader.” “Well I want America to succeed, too.” “We’re going to create jobs. We’re going to bring back prosperity and freedom and prosperity and freedom and prosperity – oops.” “A-ha! You want to slash food stamps to make Wall Street, erm, more rich. Have you no heart?” “Well you want to spread the wealth around to Solyndra and GM, tree-hugger.” “Oh, yeah, well … tax cuts for billionaires. That’s wrong vision for America. I not want poor people not happy.”

We can expect another vicious cycle of mind-numbingly stupid bumper-sticker sloganeering and shameless pandering to the gimme-what-I’m-entitled to, Red Team-Blue Team American electorate. Yes, this is what politics has been reduced to. Such is our sad state of affairs. Continue reading

Apologies For the … Mysterious, Unexplained Disappearance

A big moment of gratitude to my family for giving me the stomach flu. Yay. I’m a little behind on the blog posts, also in part due to that ideologically skewed, all-hail-the-mighty-State, the-government-has-our-best-interests-at-heart Civics Course I have to finish if I want to, well … prepare myself for a lifetime of debt bondage to get a (probably) worthless degree at some Che Guevera-worshipping university, only to not find any work in the profession I trained for.

Grr. Can you feel the cynicism emanating from my pores? That’s the abdominal cramps and grogginess talking. Deal.

Over the next fews days (weeks?), I’ll try to give my two cents on that crazy thing that happened in Colorado, the supposedly “definitive” study that proves global warming exists (pshh), the political football games being played with Pentagon budget cuts (oh no, not that), drones flying over our backyards, how the Olympics (contrary to popular wisdom) is probably screwing over the economy, Mitt Romney’s unsurprisingly Obama-esque political record, why Bain Capital was right to ship job overseas, and those effin’ al Qaeda-backed Syrian rebels that everybody seems to love so much. And probably some other current events, if my “American Government” textbook doesn’t successfully brainwash and de-program me first.

Tah-tah.

Chick Fil-A vs. the Intolerant Zealots on the Homosexual Left

Well, folks, it looks like the true colors of the so-called “gay rights” activists are being revealed once again. But, quite unlike the dazzling, glittery display of rainbow colors the roads are splattered in after one of their rip-roaring “pride” parades (as if you can be “proud” of something that is supposedly outside of your grasp), it’s not exactly the prettiest sight in the world.

And what, precisely, has motivated them to take to the streets, bang their upside-down pink triangle drums with fervor, and gallop all over town saddled on their sparkly unicorns and Barbie Doll coaches?  The president of Chick Fil-A, it seems, has ruffled their feathers. (And for those of you who’ve been living under a rock: Chick Fil-A sells first-class chicken sandwiches – mostly in the country bumpkin south, but with a few restaurants here and there throughout these fruited plains of ours.)

So, what did Dan Cathy – Chic Fil-A’s proud president and self-avowed conservative Christian – say that was so … offensive to the sensibilities of these so-called champions of “diversity” and “tolerance?” Why, he didn’t – gasp! – tow the Officially Approved Line of Opinion™ on marriage. Continue reading

How the Capital Gains and Dividends Tax Hike Will Make the Economy Go Boom-Boom

Oh, boy. All that shattering of bank windows and terrorizing of family-owned food carts – damn teenagers, building up their work ethic and getting a head start on life! – has finally paid off for Occupy Wall Street. (Not to mention all the pissing on the sidewalk and blocking street traffic. Your starving babies will have to wait. We have to do our zombie dances and scream in that mustached, network dude’s face for no apparent reason.) It’s just not fair, they seem to think, that folks like Steve Jobs stuffed their pockets by, you know – working 18 hours a day, breaking a sweat, taking risks with their own capital, and providing us with software, digital marvels, and handheld talky-gizmos which have only, like, revolutionized the way we share information, communicate, and do business. Bleh.

So what if our lives are so much easier, now that we don’t have to kill so many trees or ship 1000-page piles of paper all over the place? So what if we’re not dragging around our personal computers in bags of equipment that weigh more than a sack of rocks, now that they’re so much more compact and slim? So what if I don’t have to listen to Grandma’s polka music when I’m riding in the backseat of her Buick, now that thousands of tunes fit neatly in my own pants pocket? It doesn’t matter because he had more stuff than I did, and I want it, and I’m jealous, and – wahhhhh. I hate my life.

So, President “You Didn’t Build That Business” Obama is hiking the tax on capital gains to show those money-grubbing, good-for-nothing architects of civilization what’s for. Continue reading